


Hate Me

by The_Pirate_King



Series: Blue October [1]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cancer, Child Loss, Daddy Kraglin, Daddy Yondu, Father-Son Relationship, Grief/Mourning, I'm on a roll with songfics, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's a thing lately, M/M, Memories, Mentions of Cancer, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Parent Kraglin, Parent Yondu Udonta, Parent-Child Relationship, Please Don't Hate Me, Protective Parents, Protective Yondu, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Songfic, Suicide, why is that not a tag?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-03 23:05:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10977258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Pirate_King/pseuds/The_Pirate_King
Summary: Yondu and Kraglin receive news from the Guardians that will change them forever.





	1. If You're Sleeping, Are You Dreaming?

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! So this is my second fic for this fandom after my first received so much praise. This is a lot different than that one and thus you may want to be sure that you check the tags for trigger warnings as we go. I'll update the ratings and tags as I post so I don't give anything away. 
> 
> Kraglin and Yondu are a little OOC in this fic but with the influx of feels from the fandom after the second movie, I figured it wouldn't be a bad thing. 
> 
> I used the song, "Hate Me" by Blue October as a mood creator for this fic and thus am including the lyrics into the chapters. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

 

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head_

_They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed_

_Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone_

_Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The message that Yondu had received on his private line was simple: _We need to talk immediately._

 

It was strange because, well, that’s just a weird fucking thing to send to someone when you haven’t communicated with them in two years. It’s even weirder when it’s coming from your son who just so happened to steal a _several million unit orb_ from you and literally troll you in the process.

 

 

But like hell if Yondu didn’t keep the troll for his dashboard collection.

 

Sure, Yondu hadn’t been that mad about the orb-he expected it if he were to be honest. And if he were to be completely honest he’d tell you he was proud that his son managed to pull that off, all while saving the damn universe. He couldn’t be that mad at the kid even though his crew seemed to think otherwise. But Peter still had enough common sense and self-preservation to know that chatting up Yondu after the stunt he pulled on a regular basis was not a good idea. But hell, he could send him an “I’m doing fine!” note every once in a while. Not that Yondu needed it. Mostly so Kraglin would shut up about the kid.

 

“What the hell do you think the message was supposed to mean?” Kraglin asked his captain and mate.

 

“I’m thinkin’ probably something along the lines of ‘we need to talk’.” Yondu said sarcastically.

 

“Don’t be an asshole!” Kraglin shot the Centaurian a dirty look. “Doesn’t that message seem…I don’t know…A little _off_ to you?”

 

“Well yeah,” Yondu admitted. “Not a damn peep from the kid in two years and all of the sudden he’s demanding we talk? I should wring his neck for the orb.”

 

“We both know you won’t,” Kraglin just rolled his eyes and tried to continue some work on his data pad while the waited out the remaining ten minutes until the _Milano_ would be in range.

 

“Nah, I won’t.” Yondu smiled wirily at his mate. He and Kraglin were often accused of being too soft on Peter. Which Yondu vehemently denied but they all knew he was. Of course they were, though. He and Kraglin raised the snot nosed brat. After a while of herding and saving the kid from certain death, they had begun to call him their son. He may be a colossal pain in the ass but he was their colossal pain in the ass.

 

Which is why both he and Kraglin were pacing and not getting any damn work done. It’s also why Kraglin had conveniently arranged for the bay to be completely empty when the _Milano_ arrived.

 

Finally, _finally_ , the ten minutes were up and the _Milano_ was docking with Kraglin and Yondu already waiting for it. Yondu did his best “I’m really fucking pissed off” impression while Kraglin just shifted his weight from foot to foot in anticipation.

 

When the doors opened up, Yondu was expecting for Peter to saunter his cocky ass out first and give them some lame ass greeting but was instead greeted by Gamora followed by Drax, the rat and the tiny talking tree, none of whom would look at him.

 

When it was apparent that the four were the only ones on board-which set off the parental alarm bells in his head-Yondu silently motioned for the group to follow him to his private quarters. Normally he would never have anyone other than Kraglin, and of course Peter, in his room but he didn’t want someone to try and kill the Guardians before Yondu got an answer about what the actual fuck was going on.

 

Once inside his quarters with the door shut and locked, the group stood quietly before Yondu and Kraglin, which made both men feel a certain uneasiness in the pits of their stomachs. It wasn’t like the Guardians to be so submissive let alone so quiet. That may have to do with the fact that the non-stop chatterbox that is Yondu’s adoptive son was not with the group. Where was the monumental pain in the ass anyway?

 

“Someone wanna explain what the hell you’re doin’ here?” Yondu all but growled at the awkward quartet.

 

None of them answered at first. Apparently his floors were the most fascinating thing in the galaxy until the twig finally spoke.

 

“I am Groot.”

 

Right. The twig’s name was Groot. How could Yondu forget when it reiterated its name over and over again?

 

“ _Groot_ ,” The explosive rat hissed. “Don’t be so brash about this. Let Gamora explain.”

 

“What a brilliant idea you got there, rat.” Yondu clapped his hands loudly causing the Guardians to flinch. “Why doesn’t someone fill me the fuck in on why y’all are acting like a bunch of naughty children.”

 

“Speaking of children,” Kraglin growled almost as menacing as Yondu. “Where’s Peter?”

 

“We’re, uh, actually here to talk to you about Peter,” The girl- _Gamora_ \- said awkwardly.

 

“What about ‘im?” Yondu was getting really done with all these word games and prompting he had to do.

 

“Well…”Gamora trailed off before looking to the rat for help.

 

“You know how Peter’s been sick lately?” The rat muttered.

 

“Peter’s been sick?” Kraglin asked a little bit take aback by the news. He instantly began typing away at his datapad, undoubtedly looking up Peter’s health records.

 

“Uh, yeah,”

 

“I am Groot.” Groot said again. The twig only knew one phrase. How useless.

 

“ _Shut up, Groot._ ” Rocket the rat hissed at the tiny tree.

 

“Rocket, I agree with Groot.” Drax spoke up. Oh, so now they all understood the twig’s one phrase? “You need to tell them what is happening.”

 

“Alright, I’ll cut to the chase.” Rocket grumbled before looking back at Yondu and Kraglin. “So Peter has been in and out of the hospital for a while now.”

 

“’Tis nothing new,” Yondu pointed out not worried by the raccoon’s statement. “He’s always gettin’ hurt on somethin’.”

 

“Yeah,” Rocket agreed. “But, this seemed different to us.”

 

“Different?” Kraglin looked up. “Different how? Did he not say that something was wrong?”

 

“He had no injuries on his person,” Drax supplied. “We did not know what was happening. He never spoke of it.”

 

“So what was off about him and why did he keep getting hospitalized?” Yondu asked.

 

“Well, it started off with him complaining constantly of headaches,” Rocket explained solemnly. “So he decided to get them check out since migraines limit his ability to ‘kick sufficient ass’, apparently. For a while after the first appointment everything was fine.”

 

“Then what happened?” Kraglin asked before continuing his search on his datapad.

 

“Well, he got a call from some fancy doctor asking him to come back for a follow up. We thought it was weird but whatever.” Rocket continued. “But he came back all mopey and wanted to be left alone. He was acting like someone killed one of you two. But then it turned into more and more frequent doctor’s visits. To the point where we basically never left Xandar.”

 

Both Kraglin and Yondu shot each other brief looks of surprise while Rocket continued.

 

“After a few months he started having trouble walking. He kept running into chairs and tables. He tripped several times too. After that, he was tired all the time and stopped eating. He was sick constantly and we got really worried so we sent him back to the doctor last week. And then we got a call last night…” Rocket trailed off at the end and his eyes returned to his feet.

 

“What call?” Yondu demanded. He was tired of them leaving out things and just trailing off like they were hiding something.

 

“It was his doctor,” Gamora spoke up this time. “They had us come in and gave us a letter. They also asked that we come to you since we can’t get Peter.”

 

“What do you mean, ‘get Peter’?” Yondu narrowed his eyes. He was ten seconds from whistling his Yaka arrow into action unless someone finally got to the point.

 

“The doctors are only allowed to release specific information about Peter to his next-to-kin, which he listed as you two.”

 

“Why don’t he just tell us what’s goin’ on instead of makin’ you guys drag on a pointless conversation?” Yondu glared at the four.

 

“I am Groot.” Groot said with a sad tone which Yondu did not like.

“What he said,” Rocket muttered.

 

“And what exactly did he say?” Yondu’s arrow was buzzing in its holster.

 

* * *

 

_There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain_

 


	2. If You're Dreaming, Are You Dreaming Of Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kraglin and Yondu travel to Xandar to receive news about Peter's health.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, all! This is where things start to pick up plot wise. It's a heavy chapter but there will be heavier ones (I never claimed this was a light hearted story). There isn't anything that should trigger anyone in this chapter but let me know if there is. 
> 
> Shout out to my computer for constantly changing Yondu to Fondu. If you see that please let me know so I can fix it.

 

* * *

  

_In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night_

_While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight_

_You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate_

 

* * *

 

 

 

Two things happened at once. The first was the sound of Kraglin dropping his datapad behind Yondu while whispering in a desperate voice, “ _No!_ ” and the other was Rocket’s reply.

 

“It’s really hard to talk to your next-of-kin when you’re hospitalized and can’t speak.”

 

The world stopped turning for a short moment. Yondu felt as if his boots were made of lead, anchoring him from the ship when his body wanted to float away.

 

“That’s one sick joke, rat.” Yondu hissed in anger as his arrow flew out of its holster and parked itself right between Rocket’s eyes.

 

“No!” The Guardians shouted (with the exception of Groot who just shrugged, apparently thinking his friend deserved it).

 

“Yondu!” Kraglin reprimanded his mate. Yondu did not know how Kraglin could possibly care if he killed all the Guardians-they were playing a disgusting joke on them.

 

“Stop it, Kraglin.” Yondu growled over his shoulder while never taking his eyes off Rocket. “Don’t defend them.”

 

“Yondu, look at this.” Kraglin roughly shoved the datapad into his hands.

 

Yondu hesitated before looking down to see its contents. On it was Peter’s hospital records. They dated back to the first time he ended up in the hospital-that the Nova Corps know about-with pneumonia. Scrolling down, he found the most recent entry, noting the extensive list of medical records Peter racked up in the past year.

 

The newest entry had an attachment. Unfortunately it was too encrypted for either of them to hack and Yondu really didn’t want to share this newest development regarding Peter with his crew until he absolutely had to.

 

Yondu’s shoulders dropped and he whistled for his arrow to return to its rightful spot as he turned around to sit on one of the couches. Kraglin joined him while the Guardians (wisely) stayed put.

 

Yondu spent a long moment just staring and reading the other entries. The earliest record of the previous year was for chronic migranes which matched with what Rocket told him. As he continued to scroll through the records he noticed that the symptoms were becoming more and more worrisome. The last medical entry was for loss of sight.

 

Yondu felt a stab of guilty reading the words displayed on the screen in front of him. _Loss of eyesight and motor functions_. His boy had become blind and lost his ability to move and he never told Yondu anything. Yondu had no idea anything was happening.

 

Before he could stop himself, he mentally saw his son sitting in a white, sterile hospital bed. Peter would pat around the room until he found the cup of water he wanted but it spilled on him because he couldn’t grip anything. Peter was alone in the hospital, unable to move, blind, scared and in pain and Yondu wasn’t there to make him feel better.

 

“I know,” Kraglin whispered as if he was reading Yondu’s thoughts.

 

Yondu set the datapad down on the table, unable to open the document. He needed to get to the hospital and see for himself what they were talking about. He couldn’t believe it unless he saw it.

 

 

A few anxious hours later, Yondu flanked by Kraglin entered the hospital. Many of the workers and patrons openly stared at the sight of two Ravagers openly walking into a _Nova Corps hospital_. But, at this point, Yondu could give less of a damn if he was arrested. He needed to see his boy.

 

“Can I help you?” An anxious nurse asked the pair.

 

“Yeah,” Yondu said briskly. “I’m here to see Peter Quill.”

 

“Oh,” The woman frowned at the mention of Peter’s name, which did next to nothing to calm Yondu’s fraying nerves. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

 

It was one of the longest moments in his life. In all honesty they probably waited less than five minutes but to Yondu and Kraglin it felt like they had waited days.

 

The pair was expecting a doctor or another nurse to greet them but were surprised when Nova Prime herself greeted the pair. “Yondu,” She said nodding at the two Ravagers. “Kraglin.”

 

“Nova Prime,” Yondu said tensly. “I know what hospital this is but I am not in the mood to fight you right now. I’ve got bigger problems right now.”

 

“I’m not here to arrest you, Udonta.” Nova Prime said. “Follow me and I’ll explain everything to you.”

 

Kraglin and Yondu were hesitant to follow the woman but decided that she may be their only key to getting answers. Kraglin had accepted the situation for what it was already but Yondu still had yet to see the big picture. All he saw was his son alone in the hospital.

 

The threesome entered into an office where a doctor was waiting for them. Yondu closed the door behind himself wanting a bit of privacy. While he was used to sharing everything with everyone back on his ship, right now he wanted his privacy with his mate.

 

“I am sorry we had to meet on these terms,” Nova Prime began.

 

“We never meet on good terms.” Yondu pointed out.

 

“Yes, well, that may be true,” The woman smiled sadly at the two mates. “This was not a way I had every imagined let alone hoped I’m come face-to-face with you.”

 

“That’s mutual.” Yondu agreed for once. “Now tell me what’s wrong with my son.”

 

“Dr. Rives can answer that for you,” Nova Prime turned towards the anxious doctor.

 

“Well,” He began. “I first saw Peter after he was referred to me by a general practitioner for chronic migraines. I was surprised since I rarely see Terran in this galaxy. I quickly took his case and ran some scans.” The doctor was silent for a moment before continuing. “His scans came back with the worst diagnosis a Terran could receive. Cancer.”

 

“His mom died of cancer,” Kraglin said.

 

“Yes, he told me.” The doctor nodded. “It did not surprise me.”

 

“What type of cancer does he got?” Yondu asked.

 

“Cancer runs in families. It’s not a contagious disease but it’s what they call ‘herediatry’ meaning it’s passed down from parent to child.” The doctor told Yondu and Kraglin.

 

“No,” Kraglin whispered already knowing what the doctor was going to say next.

 

“He was diagnosed with brain cancer.” The doctor said slowly watching as Kraglin’s face twisted up in sadness. “Stage four. It was a brain tumor.”

 

“How many stages does cancer have?” Yondu asked the doctor.

 

“Four,” The doctor answered sadly. “I couldn’t operate to remove the tumor. All I could do was give him pain medication and send him home with instructions to return if he wasn’t feeling good.”

 

“All you gave him was pain medication?” Yondu asked incredulously. “What about that chemo thing he talked about as a kid? Wasn’t that an option?”

 

“He and I discussed it,” The doctor informed them. “But with stage four brain tumors, you also have to discuss quality of life not the possibility of survival. He knew the effects the chemo would have on him.”

 

“What does it do?” Kraglin whispered.

 

“It makes Terrans horribly ill.” The doctor explained noting the sadness in both Ravagers’ faces. “They vomit and they’re in constant pain that medications can’t help. They lose all of their hair and muscle mass. They lose weight and energy. They might as well be dead already. It’s only something I’d inflict on my patients if I thought they could live.”

 

“And for Peter?” Kraglin asked again.

 

“It might’ve bought him a little time but he would’ve been miserable. The chemo would make what’s left of his life not much of a life at all.” The doctor said sadly. “He chose the pain control route. He knew what he’d begin to experience with time but that was his choice. It was an honorable choice.”

 

“His records said he lost his eyesight,” Yondu didn’t even try to pretend that Kraglin didn’t hack their system. No one looked surprised by the admission and if Nova Prime was upset, she didn’t say anything.

 

“The tumor eventually spread and caused blindness among other things, yes.” The doctor said softly. “He couldn’t walk and was losing his speech the last time I saw him before….well, yesterday.”

 

“Wait,” Kraglin said louder than before. “What happened yesterday?”

 

Both Nova Prime and the doctor looked at one another, silently communicating. Kraglin grasped Yondu’s hand in a rare but desperately needed public display of affection before Nova Prime answered the loaded question.

 

“I am so sorry,” She said with genuine sadness on her face and in her eyes. “Peter passed away late last night.”

 

“That’s why you sent the Guardians,” Yondu barely got out around the lump forming in his throat while Kraglin broke down into the tears he’d been holding in since he spoke with the Guardians. It was their worst fear; Peter had died.

 

Death was nothing new in their profession. They had been seeing and dealing with it for the better part of a century before Peter came along. They knew when they chose to raise the boy that there would always be a possibility that he would die before them. They didn’t want that but it was a reality they had shoved and locked away in the furthest corner of their minds.

 

But neither of them could’ve ever thought that Peter would die without them there to comfort their son. They never wanted him to die alone.

 

“Yes,” The doctor said softly. “I am not allowed to release any information about him unless it was to his kin which he had listed as you two.”

 

“Did he die here?” Kraglin whimpered.

 

“He did,” The doctor said but was clearly hiding something.

 

It was at this point Nova Prime chose to speak up, “We need someone from his listed kin to identify him so we can release his body.”

 

“He’s pretty easy to identify,” Yondu shot back.

 

“It’s protocol.” Nova Prime leveled. “Why don’t you be the one to identify him for me, Yondu, so I can give his body to you?”

 

“I think that’s best,” Yondu agreed looking at his grief-stricken mate. Nova Prime and the doctor weren’t saying something and he had a feeling it was for his mate’s benefit.

 

* * *

 

 

_You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me!!!! Thank you to all the commenters and the people who've left me kudos thus far! I greatly appreciate them and love talking with you guys!


	3. Hate Me In Ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yondu and Kraglin identify their son. Revelations are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! So, someone pointed out that I didn't mark the chapter with the archive warning for "character death'. I am so sorry, I thought I had for sure marked it as well as tagged it but I don't think it saved or something. So I greatly apologize for that. Please feel free to let me know if you see something that isn't tagged should be tagged. I want to be sure that there are plenty of warnings. 
> 
> Anything in italics are memories that Yondu has just so no one is confused. 
> 
> Also, please mind the updated tags as they apply to this chapter. Trigger warnings are possible though I tried to make it as sensitive and have little graphic depiction while keeping the emotions Yondu feels relevant.

* * *

 

 

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

And like a baby boy I never was a man

Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling, “Make it go away!”

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

 

* * *

 

 

They walked down a long white hallway before stopping in front of a door with the word “Morgue” etched into the metal. Yondu steadied himself with a deep breath before nodding his head at Nova Prime who opened the door for him and the doctor.

 

It was dark and quiet in the morgue. For all the people he had killed and lost in his long life, he had never been to the morgue. But here he was, picking up his son. A hard pill to swallow. So hard he couldn’t clear the lump in his throat.

 

They stopped before a metal table with a white cloth covering the very obvious body laying on it. Something about seeing the body covered in white and a sterile table didn’t sit well with Yondu. Honestly, none of this sat well with him.

 

 

“Peter is under this sheet,” Nova’s voice seemed to echo in the quiet room. “But, before you look at him, I need to warn you; this is not a pleasant sight.”

 

“He’s dead,” Yondu said much quieter than he ever would have before. “How is that every goin’ ta be pleasant?”

 

“It’s not just that, Udonta.” Nova’s voice was filled with sadness and pity. “It’s the way he died.”

 

“From cancer?” Yondu was officially lost. What were they hiding?

 

“He didn’t die of the cancer,” The doctor admitted to the now thoroughly confused Centraurian.

 

“I thought he had cancer?”

 

“He did. He didn’t die from it though,” The doctor gave him a look of pure sadness.

 

“You don’t-“ Yondu’s eyes widened at the new information.

 

“Yondu,” Nova interrupted with a soft voice. “I need to you identify him.”

 

“Okay.” Yondu steeled himself for what was next.

 

The doctor slowly lifted the white sheet off of Peter’s head and folded it to rest at his shoulders.

 

Yondu felt like someone had punched the air out of his chest. There he was. And that’s when it all hit him. His son was gone. Like, _gone gone_. He would never hear that loud bark of laugh echo through the halls on his ship. Never get a call when he’s sick asking for Yondu and Kraglin to come and baby him until he was better. No more stealing trinkets back and forth between each other. No more having a body magically show up between his and Kraglin’s late at night. He’d never hear any more of his son’s infamous snarky remarks. Because his son was dead. Really, truly, honest to god dead.

 

_“Daddy?”_

_“Yes, Peter?”_

_“Where do people go when they die?”_

_“I don’t know kiddo,”_

_“I hope it’s somewhere nice.”_

_“Me too, son. Me too.”_

 

Peter was lying before him, eyes closed as if he were sleeping which Yondu guessed that in a way he really was. He looked so peaceful. His hair was combed, his eyes shut and his face void of any wrinkle or fold between his brows.

 

“Oh, Pete.” Yondu sighed quietly. Before he could stop himself, he had reached out to run his hand through his sandy locks before cupping his son’s cheek like he used to when Peter was having a nightmare. Even after he caught himself he couldn’t care less if Nova Prime was watching the bane of her existence become a mourning father before her own eyes.

 

“We can cover him if you’d like,” The doctor offered after a moment.

 

“How’d he die?” Yondu whispered without taking his eyes off of his son’s resting face.

 

“Are you sure-“ The doctor started but Yondu cut him off.

 

“How. Did. My. Son. Die?” Yondu demanded a little more harshly. “If it wasn’t the tumor then how did he die? What took him from us?”

 

“He did.” Nova answered for the doctor knowing that Yondu really did want to know.

 

“He did what?” Yondu was tired of going around with people today. He just needed straight answers.

 

“He took himself from you,” Nova pulled back the sheet to reveal Peter’s right and left arms. “He ended his own misery.”

 

Yondu said nothing. He couldn’t say anything if he tried. He had no words and couldn’t make anything sound. Not even a whistle.

 

 

“We’ll give you a moment. You can let your mate in when you’re ready.” Nova said as she and the doctor made their way out of the room. “I had a feeling you’d want to tell Kraglin how Peter really died if you choose to at all.”

 

“Thank you,” Yondu managed not tearing his eyes away from his son.

 

“You’re welcome.” She said sadly. “I wish I didn’t hear those words under these circumstances though.”

 

Yondu said nothing more and heard the doors close. Only then did he allow himself to feel. He had held himself together for too long today. It was his job to hold himself together but he supposed that for once, he could cry. He could break his own rule if only for this one time. For his boy.

 

_“Hey Daddy?” Peter asked one night in Centaurian which quickly got Yondu’s attention._

_That night had been a good one. The whole day had, really. The crew had just finished a huge raid and had gotten a stupid amount of units for it. Because of this, Yondu decided that they’d all go to one of their favorite planets to celebrate their success._

_Instead of joining the crew at the local bar and brothel, Yondu had opted to spend the day with Peter and Kraglin instead. He was a mated man with a child after all._

_They had visited the local market to buy Peter new clothes because he was growing like a goddamn weed. Neither Kraglin nor Yondu could believe how quickly the kid could grow. He was only nine!_

_Kraglin and Yondu also decided to spend some of their spoils on new toys and games for Peter as well as some new work books for their son. Just because he’s being raised by Ravagers, Kraglin had said after they first got him, doesn’t mean he won’t have a damn education. So he had many workbooks for science, math, reading and writing._

_While they decided that they’d teach him Xandarian because it was more commonly spoken and closer to his native language, Peter had also asked Yondu to teach him Centaurian as well. At first he was hesitant but his parental instincts that he had tried his best to subdue had managed to work their way foreword and he had conceded. Now he was having a full on conversation in a language he never thought he’d converse with another being in ever again. He had to admit it felt nice._

_“Yes, boy?” Yondu whistled back. He could’ve switched to Xandarian so Kraglin could understand but Peter had deliberately chosen to use Centaurian and Yondu figured this was most likely because he wanted the conversation to be private._

_“What does ‘sweed’ mean?” Peter clicked and whistled. Yondu cocked his head trying to figure out what word he was trying to say. Peter sometimes couldn’t get the pitches on certain words correct which made the child sound like he was just a baby learning to talk. Which, in a lot of ways he was. But Yondu didn’t mind it- he found it positively adorable._

_“Try again, Pouchlin’’” Yondu said. Pouchling was the closest word that existed in Centaurian to son. It was also a term of endearment that Yondu used when talking to Peter._

_“’Soo-‘,” Peter scrunched his face up in concentration. “”Sueecidu’”_

_“’Suicide’?” Yondu tried._

_“Yeah! That word!” Peter smiled up at his dad and mimicked the shape of his father’s lips to get the word correct. “What does ‘suicide’ mean?”_

_“Where’d ya hear that?” Yondu frowned. He couldn’t think of a place where Peter would possibly learn that word, let alone need to use it. In a perfect world, Peter would never hear or use that word at all._

_“I heard some lady in the market say it.” Peter said innocently._

_That was right, there were two other Centaurians in the market. Both of them had tried to hit on Yondu but Peter, his trusty little sidekick-slash-occasional cockblock, had popped up under his coat begging for his Daddy to buy him a car toy. That had quickly shifted the conversation from sex to them trying to get Yondu to let them mother his son. Neither one was acceptable but Yondu had let out a few choice whistles about his feelings towards someone other than Kraglin mothering his son (he had covered Peter’s ears of course)._

_“C’mere, Love.” Yondu used another term of endearment as he patted his lap. Needing no further encouragement, Peter quickly discarded his blocks in favor of clambering his way into his Daddy’s lap. “Suicide is a word to describe a way when someone dies.”_

_“Oh,” Peter blinked his big, adorable green eyes owlishly. “How do they die if they suicide?”_

_“Not ‘they suicide’, Petey. People commit suicide.” Yondu corrected his son._

_“What’s ‘commit suicide’ mean?”_

_“It means that instead of dying by natural causes, the person ends their own life instead.” Yondu explained hesitantly. He wanted to give as little detail as possible to the child._

_“So they kill themselves?” Peter rephrased and Yondu winced. Dammit. The kid was too smart for his own good._

_“Yes,” Yondu said sadly._

_“Why would someone kill themselves, Daddy?” Peter whimpered in obvious distress at the idea of someone killing themself._

_Yondu quickly soothed the boy by stroking his hair before explaining, “They are really, really sad, Petey. Sometimes they feel like they have no choice because of the way their life is. Sometimes everyone they love has died. There’s lots of reasons.”_

_“You won’t kill yourself, will you Daddy?” Peter asked with those big, green eyes._

_“No, of course not.” Yondu assured the obviously upset boy. “I’ve got too much to live for; you and Papa.”_

_“But, even if_ I _die, you won’t kill yourself, right?”_

_Peter’s question caught Yondu off guard. How was a nine year old child coming up with these kinds of questions?_

_“Right.” Yondu said seriously._

_“Pinky promise?”_

_“Pinky promise,” Yondu nodded and linked his big, blue pinky finger with Peter’s soft, pinky one._

 

“Oh, Petey,” Yondu said through tears. “Why’d you hide this from us? Why didn’t you say something? We woulda helped you. We wouldn’t have been too mad to come and help you figure something, _anything_ out.”

 

Yondu stared for a long moment at his son’s arms. They were cleaned of any remaining blood but the cuts still stood out as if they were laughing at Yondu. They were red against his ashen skin. They were what bled Peter’s soul from his body. They were Peter’s last resort. His out.

 

Yondu would never forgive himself. He could never forgive himself. He had failed his son when he needed him the most. He couldn’t save his son. He was a failure of a father.

 

He didn’t hear the door open behind him nor the footsteps that made their way to his side.

 

“Yondu-“ Kraglin’s voice broke him from his thoughts. He quickly covered Peter up before Kraglin could see anything. “Why’d you cover him?”

 

“Krag, I think this one memory we shouldn’t share together.” Yondu said honestly.

 

“I’m your mate and that boy’s father,” Kraglin said sternly. “I should be allowed to see him too.”

 

“Krag, trust me, seeing a crewmember’s body is one thing,” Yondu pleaded with his mate. “But seeing Pete’s body will never leave you. You shouldn’t see him like this. Remember him how he used to be.”

 

“Yondu,” Kraglin persisted. “Show me my son.”

 

Yondu stared for a long moment before giving in and allowing Kraglin to pull the sheet back down off of Peter’s face. The sob that escaped his mate at the revealing of Peter’s dead face broke what was left of Yondu’s heart. Kraglin sounded so broken, so utterly shattered.

 

“Petey,” Kraglin sobbed openly.

 

“Krag, let’s put the blanket back up,” Yondu reached for the sheet but Kraglin stopped him before stroking Peter’s cheeks.

 

“He looks so small,” Kraglin whimpered as tears fell onto the table next to Peter’s face.

 

“They said he stopped eating.” Yondu reasoned.

 

“No,” Kraglin shook his head. “It’s like he’s empty. Everything that was Peter is just… _gone_. He’s like a shell. I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

 

“I haven’t either.” Yondu admitted. He had never seen any species that _shrunk_ like Peter had. Kraglin was right-he looked like everything had just _left_.

 

“My poor boy,” Kraglin ran his hands down Peter’s arms and grabbed his hand. “He suffered all alone.”

 

“I know,”

 

Before Yondu could stop him, Kraglin ran his thumb in a circle over Peter’s wrist like he used to when he was comforting Peter as a child. Immediately, Kraglin’s hands froze and he stiffened.

 

“Kraglin-“ Yondu tried but it was too late; Kraglin had yanked the sheet up revealing Peter’s sliced wrist. Before Yondu could say anything Kraglin and lifted the sheet on the other side.

 

“ _Oh my god,_ ” Kraglin sobbed hysterically. “He..he..he.”

 

Yondu wasted no time in pulling his mate into his arms and holding him tight. Kraglin sobbed in his chest, his sobs wracking his entire body and he continued to hold Peter’s hand. “I know, Kraglin. I know.”

 

“He killed himself, Yondu!” Kraglin cried.

 

“I know.” Yondu let his tears fall.

 

“He was hurting so badly and was so alone that he killed himself.” Kraglin tightened his hand on Peter’s hoping maybe, just maybe he’d squeeze back. “Petey committed suicide.”

 

“I know.” Yondu whispered looking at the ceiling as tears ran down his face and neck.

 

_“Dad?” A teenage Peter said to him as they walked side by side down an empty corridor._

_“Yeah?” Yondu hummed as he read over reports._

_“I’m gonna die before you, aren’t I?” Peter’s question made Yondu stop walking and lower his data pad to look at his son’s face._

_“What kinda question is that?” Yondu asked in Centaurian. He didn’t want Kraglin to overhear their conversation by accident. The last time someone had mentioned how much shorter human lives were, Yondu spent days comforting his mate._

_“I don’t know,” Peter shrugged. “I just thought of it the other day when we passed that funeral procession on Xandar.”_

_“You have a much shorter lifespan than any other species, yes.” Yondu sighed. “But that don’t mean we can’t find a way to keep ya around longer than the average human. Remember; you’re only half human.”_

_“I remember.” Peter nodded before frowning at a thought. “Would you be sad if I died?”_

_“Peter,” Yondu matched his son’s frown._

_“Sorry, stupid question. Forget it.” Peter said quickly shaking his head and turning to continue walking._

_“I’d be heartbroken,” Yondu answered his son._

_“Even though I’m a little shit?” Peter smirked at his father._

_“_ Especially _because you’re a little shit.” Yondu smirked back. “You’re our little shit and we didn’t keep ya around for no reason, boy. We kept ya cause we love ya. So don’t go dyin’ on us, ya hear?”_

_“No promises,” Peter laughed._

_“Peter Jason!” Yondu shouted in mock anger._

_He knew his boy understood the meaning behind his words._

 

* * *

 

_And then she whispered, “How can you do this to me?”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DON'T HATE ME!!!


	4. Ways Hard To Swallow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yondu and Kraglin meet two strangers claiming to have known Peter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi to everyone who's still sticking with me and this fic despite the last chapter! I know that it had some sensitive topics to it and I hope it wasn't too much for you guys. I tried my best to make sure that I wrote it in a way that wasn't too graphic and triggering while still portraying the emotions that Kraglin and Yondu feel as honest and real as possible. It's a bit of a balancing act so I hope that I did at least a decent job at it. Honestly, I was going to cut the suicide out but decided that cutting it out wouldn't make sense to the plot line since his death was so sudden and cancer often likes to take it's time-not always, but in my experience, they're usually on hospice care when they die and Peter was not on hospice care. 
> 
> With this chapter, I think that it's going to be a lot easier for those of you who had a hard time with the last chapter. It's not a heavy chapter but it does mention his cancer and suicide but I don't go in any graphic detail. I think it's obvious how he died and his motives for it. This is also the longest chapter I wrote for this fic. It started off being 3,000 words, then I broke the chapter in half, and then when I was editing I added some things here and there that bumped it up the word count to nearly 5k. Holy shit. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

 

* * *

 

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?_

_And will you never say that you loved me, just to put it in my face?_

_And will you never try to reach me?_

 

* * *

 

 

 

Arrangements were made with the hospital for the return of Peter’s body. Nova Prime had insisted that Nova Corps escort Yondu, Kraglin and Peter back to the _E_ _clector_. Yondu and Kraglin were reluctant to receive such a grandeurs display-by the Nova corps nonetheless- but Nova Prime explained that it was a custom on Xandar.

 

“When a member of the Nova Corps die,” She explained to the pair. “We escort them back to their families so that the people know that we lost an important person. People appreciate and respect the display and it is seen as an honor.”

 

“But he ain’t-“ Yondu argued but stopped to correct his wording. He had a feeling he’d be doing that a lot now. “He _wasn’t_ a Nova Corps member. He wasn’t even Xandarian.”

 

“I know,” She gave the pair a look of genuine sadness laced with pity. “But he did save our universe and we owe him greatly for that. He was and always will be a hero.”

 

“I never thought I’d ever hear those words uttered by you,” Kranglin mustered a smile that lacked any happiness. “I never thought you’d be remotely kind to us either. Never in a million years.”

 

“Me neither,” Nova Prime admitted. “But your son saved the galaxy. I’m not heartless. I can have great sympathy for you guys. You have just lost your surrogate son which is impossibly painful for any parent no matter their chosen profession.”

 

“He wasn’t just a surrogate.” Yondu corrected her. “He was just our son. No surrogacy. Just ours.”

 

“I am sorry, I misspoke. You are correct; he’s your son.” Nova Prime corrected herself. “Please allow us to show him this one display of honor. It’s the least we can do and I hope it can convey our deepest sympathies for your loss.”

 

“Thank you,” Kraglin agreed.

_“Papa,” Eleven year old Peter came running up to Yondu and Kraglin while they were going over details for their next job._

_“What is it, Sweets?” Kraglin asked as he swung the boy up into his arms, settling him on his hip. Peter was much too old (and certainly much too large) for Kraglin to be doing this but it seemed to make Peter ‘happy as a clam’ he had said._

_“The new recruits taught me a word but when I said it to Orz he laughed at me.” Peter frowned._

_Orz was a fairly new Xandarian that had become increasingly familiar with Peter over the past year. Everyone was familiar with Peter. The kid was everywhere, talking to everyone-whether they wanted to listen to him or not. He was the only other Xandarian on the ship until their last batch of recruits arrived which only made Peter more attached to the poor man._

_“What’d they say?” Kraglin amused his son._

_“Suckler!” Peter all but shouted._

_While Yondu had absolutely no idea what that even meant, Kraglin sure did. His eyes became comically large and Yondu could’ve sworn he saw Kraglin flush a little before regaining his composure. Somewhere in the distance, Yondu and Kraglin could hear Orz laughing._

_“Peter,” Kraglin said sternly. “You must never say that!”_

_“Why, Papa?” Peter frowned clearly upset that he was being scolded._

_“It’s a mean thing to say to someone,” Kraglin informed him. “You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, do you?”_

_“Nuh-uh.” Peter shook his head from side to side._

_“Then don't say that to anyone, okay?”_

_“Okay, Papa!” Peter promised before being put down. As soon as his feet touched the ground, he took off running. Probably to beg the cook for food since Yondu was convinced that Peter’s stomach was larger than a black hole._

_“So,” Yondu drawled. “What’s ‘suckler’ mean?”_

_“It’s a phrase that basically means I still feed Peter my milk.” Kraglin said with narrowed eyes, clearly not amused by the whole situation._

_  
“You don’t make milk?” Yondu raised a brow before smirking. “Unless ya got somethin’ to share.”_

_“We’ve been together nearly ninety years, Yondu. I think if I made milk you’d know by now.” Kraglin growled. “It’s a way of sayin’ that he ain’t off my tit.”_

_“Ah,” Yondu nodded, as he comprehended what Kraglin was saying and made a mental note to teach whoever called Peter a “suckler” a hard lesson._

_Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you looked at it), Yondu didn't have to lift a finger since Kraglin got to them first._

 

Yondu was hesitant to accept the offer but one look at Kraglin and he knew that he had to accept. He often forgot that his mate was not only a Ravager but at one time was part of Xandarian society. Being a Xandarian, this procession would mean a great deal to him and it wasn’t going to hurt Yondu to go along with it. He had his own customs that Kraglin had agreed to already. Yondu had to admit that the idea of people giving his son a hero’s send off gave him a tinge of happiness that his son would be memorialized in such a way. Reputation be damned.

 

The pair finished filling out the paperwork for the release of Peter’s body. Once they handed over the papers they were instructed to go to the morgue where they could wait with some of the other families for their son.

 

As they made their way to waiting area they were stopped by a shout behind them.

 

“Wait!” The young boy’s shout came.

 

Both Yondu and Kraglin turned to see two boys, one donned in a hospital gown and carrying a fluid drip on a moving cart hurrying his way towards them while the other wore a long hooded robe that covered part of his face. Yondu couldn’t help the stab he felt in heart as he saw some similarities to Peter in the younger boy’s features.

 

The boy, like Peter, was blond with wavy hair. He was probably twelve or thirteen and was clearly going through a growth spurt judging by the clumsy way he walked. Yondu remembered how Peter would often trip over his own feet at that age.

 

“Yes?” Kraglin asked in surprise.

 

“You’re Peter’s parents, right?” The kid huffed as he came closer. Walking that much clearly took a toll on the boy.

 

“Yes,” Yondu confirmed. “Who are you?”

 

“I’m Raphael,” said the boy before pointing to the older boy next to him. “This is my brother, Azrael.” Azrael just nodded his head towards Yondu and Kraglin in a silent gesture of greeting when introduced.

 

“Interesting names.” Yondu muttered making the youngest laugh.

 

“Don't be rude!” Kraglin reprimanded his mate with a light slap on the shoulder. “Why don’t we sit down somewhere-you look tired.”

 

They managed to find two wooden benches adjacent from each other in a hallway around the corner. It was an empty hallway with no rooms in it and something about it felt weird to Yondu. Almost unreal.

 

The boys settled in one bench while Yondu and Kraglin settled in the other. Yondu couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling he got from the older of the two boys. Something about the way he moved and his silence felt strange. Yondu didn’t think he had ever run across another species like him and it unnerved the Centaurian.

 

“May we ask how you know-knew-Peter?” Kraglin finally asked after the brothers got settled.

 

“I was in the room next to him,” The boy explained. “He and I talked a lot while he was here.”

 

“Sounds like Peter,” Yondu rolled his eyes. “Never could learn to shut up. He’d talk to just about anyone whether or not they wanted to listen to him.”

 

_“-and my Papa says we is Xandarian too!” Yondu and Kraglin could make out the distinct voice of their six year old from across the market._

_Peter had some how managed to wander off in the five minutes that Yondu and Kraglin had spent bargaining down a jacket for Peter. Now the pair was frantically running around a market on Knowhere trying to find their missing son._

_Luckily for them, Peter had a very loud and very distinct voice._

_“Is that so?” A voice that Kraglin and Yondu had never heard replied. The two men ran faster in the direction of their son’s voice._

_“Yeah! And my Daddy is a Centaurian!” Peter continued. “He taught me to speak Centaurian just like him. It sounds really funny!”_

_Yondu rolled his eyes. Of course that’d be something he’d say._

_“You have two dads then?” The voice asked their son._

_“Yeah! Isn’t that cool? I like it cause girls are gross.” Both Yondu and Kraglin rolled their eyes at each other but Kraglin did laugh briefly and Yondu snorted. “Papa said I is ‘dopted!”_

_“You’re adopted huh? Where are your Daddy and Papa?”_

_Peter didn’t respond at first but eventually when he did he whimpered, “I don’t know. Daddy? Papa?”_

_“Here, if you come with me, I’ll help you find them.” The voice offered slyly._

_“No!” Kraglin shouted as they drew close enough to spot their son. Standing next to a Kree. Neither Yondu nor Kraglin had to guess where the Kree was going to take Peter and what he was planning to do with their son._

_With a sharp whistle, the crowd in the market drew silent. Everyone knew the distinct whistle of a Centaurian and what it meant._

_“Daddy! Papa!” Peter smiled widely as he saw his parents. He tried to pull away from the Kree but the Kree’s grip was too strong making Peter frown. “Hey! Let go!”_

_“Well if it isn’t Yondu and his first mate,” The Kree sneered. “Didn’t know you adopted a child.”_

_“Ain’t anyone’s business, Kree.” Yondu replied with a glare and another whistle that inched the arrow closer to the Kree’s face. Yondu didn’t want to kill in front of his son but he would do it to save said boy’s life. “Reckon you should let my boy go now.”_

_“Why?” The Kree spat. “You two lost him. Makes it seem like you aren’t very fit parents.”_

_“You know nothing,” Kraglin hissed._

_“Peter,” Yondu said in Centaurian while calmly looking at his son._

_“Yes, Daddy?” Peter replied._

_“Close your eyes real tight and don’t open them until we say so, okay?” Yondu locked eyes with the Kree who was glaring at him._

_“Okay, Daddy.” Peter closed his eyes as tight as he could and if the situation wasn’t so desperate and tense, Yondu might’ve laughed._

_“You’re dead, Kree.” Kraglin sneered as a sharp whistle spun the arrow into the Kree’s head._

_Kraglin darted across the remaining distance and snatched their son away before running as far away as he possibly could, Yondu directly behind him._

_“You can open your eyes now, Pete.” Kraglin said once they were out of the market._

_“You found me!” Peter squealed at his dads._

_“Of course we did, Petey.” Kraglin told himand gave him a kiss on the top of his head before becoming serious. “But you can never, ever do that again, you hear?”_

_“Yes, Papa.” Peter muttered._

_“We almost lost you for good today, Pete.” Yondu told his son making the boy’s eyes well up with tears. “We don’t wanna lose ya, Kiddo. Always stick by our sides and hold our hands when we’re out in public, understand?”_

_“Yes, Daddy.” Peter nodded furiously._

_“Good boy.” Yondu ruffled his son’s hair._

“I didn’t mind,” Raphael waved him off. “It was good to have another person to talk to while I was here. The nurses and doctors are nice and all but they were busy and I didn’t want to bother them. I can only talk so much with Azrael before I get bored.”

 

“Rude,” The other boy muttered under his breath in a voice that Yondu had never heard before.

 

Yondu prided himself on remaining impassive to the point of being near emotionless at times towards his crew when needed and keeping a flawless poker face. He had to remain stoic in order for the crew to respect him. Too much emotion could cause them to try to challenge his authority. He knew he was excellent at keeping a no-nonsense voice and Peter frequently referred to it as his “captain voice”. But this kid had a voice that was otherworldly-both figuratively and literally.

 

It was completely flat; Yondu couldn’t detect even the slightest hint of _any_ emotion from it. It was so monotone that he almost didn’t think it was real. It was soft but seemed to boom in his ears and echo down the halls and Yondu could’ve sworn he heard the voice echo in his mind like a second conscious.

 

“Well, you’re not much for conversation,” Raphael teased his brother. He didn’t seem the slightest bit deterred by his brother’s voice. “You should take off your hood; you're making our friends uncomfortable.”

 

Yondu’s eyes widened. It seemed like the boy could be an empath like himself and could feel the unsettling feelings both he and his mate had towards the brother.

 

The brother silently did as asked. He revealed a head of white hair that flowed elegantly to his shoulders. His eyes were an unusual shade of brown, almost black, and if Yondu weren’t a sane being he would’ve sworn that the irises swirled. His gaze was level and it felt like he was looking into your soul. Yondu almost wished that he’d put his hood back up.

 

“If you don’t mind my asking,” Kraglin spoke up to Yondu’s surprise. “You are not Xandarian, are you?”

 

“No,” The boy confirmed with a bright smile. “We are not.”

 

“Where are you from then?” Kraglin asked curiously.

 

 _What are you_? Yondu thought in his head.

 

“We are Terran.” The boy answered looking directly at Yondu, which made him feel even more uncomfortable. The answer and the stare he received from the boy, while not unfriendly or upset in the slightest, seemed as if he had heard and was answering Yondu’s thoughts.

 

“You’re from Earth?!” Kraglin’s eyes widened but for the first time that day he smiled a genuine smile.

 

“Yes,” The boy laughed. “That’s why we bonded so quickly with Peter. We are both from the same planet.”

 

“Did you both live in the same area then?” Kraglin inquired excitedly. “In the same-oh, what did he call them- state?”

 

“Not exactly,” Raphael laughed at Kraglin’s enthusiasm.

 

“Did you live in America?” Yondu asked.

 

Raphael smiled at his brother, which prompted the other to answer in his disconcerting voice, “Something like that.”

 

“He must’ve loved that,” Yondu muttered.

 

“He definitely did! We had a lot of fun talking to each other.” Raphael said exuberantly before something like wistfulness crossed his eyes. But before Yondu could pick up on it further, it was gone. “It’s much quieter here without him. I miss having another human around to talk to.”

 

“When did you last see him?” Yondu asked.

 

“I last saw him the night before he passed.” Raphael said in a serious voice. “He came in completely blind and he said he hurt all over. I guess he wasn’t able to move very well. I felt bad for him and he seemed very tired and distressed so when he finally was calm enough to sleep, I returned to my own room. He seemed exhausted and needed to be alone.”

 

“I see,” Yondu muttered.

 

“But, Azrael stayed with him for a little longer than I did!” Raphael beamed his bright smile again.

 

“You stayed?” Yondu asked in surprise. If Raphael said that Peter wanted to be alone why didn’t the other boy follow his brother’s lead?

 

“Yes,” Azrael nodded his head slowly and his hair covered his face. “I wished to stay by his side for a while longer. He needed to talk to someone.”

 

“Raphael just said that he seemed to want to be alone,” Kraglin pointed out.

 

“Well, he didn’t want to talk to Raphael.” Azreal explained unperturbed by Kraglin’s observation. “Sometimes Raphael can be a bit much for people. But I have found that some people need to talk to me so I stay behind.”

 

“What do you mean by that?” Yondu raised a hairless brow.

 

“Raphael is exuberant and loud.” Azrael explained and Raphael did not seem the least bit insulted by his brother’s words. “Which is great for boosting morale. But for someone like Peter, it can have the opposite effect.”

 

“What do you mean ‘someone like Peter’?” Kraglin asked.

 

“Someone who is suffering both physically and mentally.” Azrael said. “Peter was fighting a losing battle and he knew it. He wasn’t looking for a morale boost-he was at the end. He was looking for comfort and guidance to his next journey. He was scared and didn’t need a pick me up. He needed someone to guide him through his next steps. So I helped to reassure him and squelch his fears about his next journey.”

 

“He doesn’t get to have another journey,” Kraglin looked at his feet. “He is dead now.”

 

“Death is a journey of it’s own.” Azrael said levelly, his words echoing in Yondu’s mind.

 

_Death is a journey of it’s own._

_Death is a journey of it’s own._

 

“So you helped him commit suicide?” Yondu narrowed his eyes at the strange kid.

 

“No,” Both Azrael and Raphael shook their heads. “I simply soothed his fears about what comes after his physical life. His suicide was his own illation.”

 

“It happened after Azrael came back to my room.” Raphael interjected.

 

“So neither of you knew about this?” Yondu quizzed the two.

 

“No,” The both said before Azrael continued. “He had hinted at ending his own life but that was not a matter that I have a right to interfere with.”

 

“You could’ve stopped him!” Yondu accused the boy out of hurt and anger. “He could still be here right now.”

 

_“Hey Dad, Papa?” A twenty year old Peter asked after ‘surprise visiting’ them. Yondu and Kraglin had tried to be mad but since they weren’t having sex when he dropped in and they always loved seeing the kid, they couldn’t hold the façade for long._

_“Hey, Sweets.” Kraglin stood up to embrace his son. Peter had been gone for a few days prior on a retrieval mission and had just returned. “How’d it go?”_

_“Good,” Peter said returning his Papa’s hug. “Nothing too crazy happened.”_

_“Hey, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.” Yondu told him from where he was sitting on the couch._

_“Didn’t say it was,” Peter replied in that sarcastic tone he’d adopted during ‘puberty’._

_“Did you eat yet?” Kraglin asked, guiding their very adult son to the table. Cue babying. Yondu and Peter would swear up and down that it was one of Kraglin’s favorite pass times._

_“Yeah,” Peter sat down anyway. “Stopped by the mess hall and got some food before coming here.”_

_“Well, let me fix you up your favorite noodle dish, huh?” Kraglin ignored Peter completely. Favorite. Pass. Time._

_“Sounds good, Papa.” Peter didn’t even try to fight it. He just accepted his fate while Yondu sent him amused looks across the room and received childish looks back._

_  
“You seemed like you had a question for us, Boy.” Yondu changed the subject before Kraglin all but invited Peter to sleep in bed with them as well._

_“Yeah,” Peter jumped at the change of topic. “So while we were on Xandar I heard a little kid talking about being adopted and it got me wondering about some things.”_

_Both Yonud and Kraglin froze for a moment. They hadn’t tried to hide the fact that Peter was not biologically their son-that would’ve been pointless seeing as he looked nothing like them. He easily passed as a Xandarian but they couldn’t lie to him like that. But he never really brought it up much since it didn’t really matter to any of them whether or not he was biologically their son._

_“What’s on your mind?” Kraglin recovered and continued frying some noodles._

_“Why did you guys keep me?” Peter asked bluntly. “You knew I wasn’t your son and that taking a toddler on would be a lot of work-especially with your jobs- but you still took me anyway. I’m just wondering why you didn't hand me over to the Nova Corps when you got the chance?”_

_Yondu wasn’t really sure what to say to Peter. He wasn’t as emotionally open-Kraglin called it ‘healthy’- as Kraglin or Peter. He was afraid that anything he said would be counterproductive and actually hurt Peter’s feelings rather than help them._

_“Well,” Kraglin explained knowing full-well Yondu should not. “We originally weren’t going to keep you.” Yondu’s eyes widened fractionally at Kraglin’s honesty. “But as we made our way to Xandar we started to get attached. You’d follow us all over the ship, begging to be picked up, wanting to play, wanting cuddles and we weren’t really able to say ‘no’ to you._

_“Your father eventually even started putting you in his pouch after a little while which is not something anyone on the ship both expected nor could believe. But you loved it in there.”_

_The mention of his pouch made Yondu smile fondly. He had never anticipated using his pouch-especially after becoming a Ravager. Once he officially took on a male mate who was outside his species and therefore incompatible with him as far as reproduction, he knew that he’d never have children of his own. No children equaled no pouch. But, once Peter had come along and demanded care and attention, Yondu caught himself more than once running his hands over his pouch. Eventually, he stretched the skin and took a leap of faith by placing Peter in it. Turns out, Peter loved the pouch. He’d instantly calm down when he was having a fit or crying about something. Frequently, he’d nap in the pouch feeling completely safe and protected. He’d search out for Yondu’s pouch when he’d be holding him or changing his diapers, and given the opportunity, he’d crawl in. Yondu’s favorite moments were when he’d look down and catch baby Peter staring up at him with those big eyes and sucking on his thumb. Yondu would never say it out loud, but he had a hard time when Peter outgrew his pouch._

_  
“We knew at that moment that you belonged with us. Sure, we don’t live the most honorable of lives and things aren’t always peachy but we love you and we figured that’s what mattered the most. We didn’t know what would happen after we handed you over. We were worried you’d end up in a bad home with people who didn’t really love you and we just couldn’t do it.” Kraglin continued. “We know you missed out on some opportunities but we did our best.”_

_“I know you did, Papa.” Peter smiled at the two men. “Thank you. That’s all I wanted to know.”_

_“Of course, Petey.” Kraglin smiled back._

 

“That is not my decision to make!” Azrael didn’t shout but his voice boomed so loudly Yondu almost covered his ears. “He was a man and his life was and is his own to do with as he felt he must. My job was to help ease him from the mental torture he was feeling over the thought of leaving behind his family and friends.”

 

“You say this like you do that all the time,” Yondu hissed under his breath.

 

“Perhaps,” Azrael shrugged nonchalantly. “That is not the point though. We figured you would have questions regarding your son’s death and what to do for his funeral.”

 

“Well, I do.” Kraglin said quietly and Yondu held his tongue to allow his mate to get the answers he would need to help himself heal.

 

“What can we answer for you?” Raphael replied instead of his brother.

 

“What are the customs on Earth for when someone dies?” Kraglin asked and despite Yondu’s anger towards the boys not taking more action, he listened in.

 

“Depends on where you live and if you’re religious.” Raphael shrugged. “I don’t believe Peter was all to religious given his upbringing which is fine. On Earth the families have what are called ‘funerals’ which consist of a sort of memorial in which his friends and family would gather together and the family and a few of his closest friends give speeches about Peter and his life and legacy. Often these involve funny stories and their remaining loved one’s fondest memories. Then they hold a dinner in which they all toast to their loved ones and the guests offer condolences to the family. The guests may share stories they had with Peter that the family may not have ever heard.

 

“After the feast the family, close friends and if the family chooses, the rest of the guests go and bury the decease’s body. If the person is cremated then they are placed in a tomb in a wall to protect the urn. The family places a head or tombstone at the top of the grave by their loved one’s head. And after a while, they return home.”

 

“What is a tombstone?” Kraglin asked.

 

“It is a marble or stone marker that indicates who is buried at that location. It may contain a statue of a figure like an angel or person or a picture or design etched into the stone. Their name is engraved on it, sometimes their nickname is put in quotations in between the first and last name, along with their birth and death dates on it. Often the family will put a quote that meant something to the person or that was spoke by that person under the dates of death.”

 

“So it's a stone that marks their burial site.” Yondu rephrased.

 

“Exactly.” Raphael nodded. “It’s so the family and anyone else who wished to visit the site can find the person.”

 

“How are they buried? Is there special attire?” Kraglin questioned.

 

“If they are cremated then no, the urn is just put up at the front of the room where the funeral takes place. If they are not cremated then they are placed in a wooden coffin. The coffin may range in colors and sometimes has designs in it. The inside is lined with fabric and their head is cushioned on a pillow. As for attire: they are usually dressed in their best formal wear. Frequently the casket is left open at funerals so that people may place flowers or precious objects relating to the deceased into the casket for the person to have with them for eternity.”

 

“I see,” Kraglin nodded intently. “Where can we get a casket?”

 

“I believe Peter already had one made a while ago. I’m not sure where he got it or who did it, though. I think he’s going to be given to you in one.” Raphael told them.

 

“Some of these customs are similar to those here on Xandar.” Kraglin told Yondu. “Burying their dead is one of them but not the grave markers.”

 

“We’ll have to bury him on Earth,” Kraglin continued when Yondu said nothing. “It’s only right that he be returned to his home planet to rest.”

 

“I agree,” Yondu nodded. The thought of having Peter’s body so far away was more than a little upsetting to Yondu but he also would never feel right burying Peter on a planet that was not technically his own.

 

“It is getting late,” Azrael spoke up. “You may wish to retrieve Peter before dark so you can begin your trip back to Earth.”

 

“We probably should get going,” Kraglin agreed and stood up, Yondu not far behind him. “Thank you for everything.”

 

“You are welcome. I am sorry that he passed away. He was a great person.” Raphael gave them a sad look that appeared strange on his happy, youthful face. “Before I forget; he asked me to give you this.” Raphael reached into his brother’s cloak pocket retrieving two envelopes. One was addressed to Yondu and the other to Kraglin.

 

“Thank you,” Both Yondu and Kraglin thanked the boy before turning and walking back towards the main hallway leading to the morgue.

 

“You’re welcome,” Raphael smiled before being lead down the hallway and away from the mates. “I will see you again one day!”

 

At the strange words both Yondu and Kraglin turned to face the brothers and were shocked at what they saw.

 

The dead end hallway was empty. There were no benches and the boys were gone.

 

“What the ever lovin’ fuck?!” Yondu exclaimed.

 

“What just happened?” Kraglin asked the Centaurian.

 

“I have no fuckin’ idea,” Yondu gave his mate a look of confusion.

 

_“Hey, Papa?”_

_“Yes, Baby?”_

_“When I get bigged, I wanna fly the ship just like you and Daddy!”_

_“Never grow up, Petey.”_

_“Okay!”_

 

* * *

 

_It is I that wanted space_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully I was right about this not being as hard to read. Raphael and Azrael are OC for those who are confused.


	5. Hate Me So You Can Finally See What's Good For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yondu and Kraglin bury their boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! The final chapter! It's been a good ride with you guys and I'm glad that this fic got so much love and support despite it's heavy topic. Let it be well know that I do not, in any way, endorse or encourage suicide for any reason. There is always another answer. Always. I promise. 
> 
> Raphael and Azrael are OC for this fic but they are based off of real "mythological beings" so to speak. It will make more sense after you read this chapter. 
> 
> Also, I have a few follow-up side stories that I will be posting for this fic so please look out for those! 
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

 

 

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

 

* * *

 

 

After a moment of shock and confusion, the mates finished their journey to the morgue. Yondu was surprised at how many people were still there considering how long they had talked with the mysterious boys.

 

They walked up to the nurse who was helping retrieve the bodies for the families.

 

“Sorry we’re so late,” Kraglin apologized. “We’re here for Peter Quill.”

 

“You’re not late,” The nurse frowned in confusion at the two Ravagers. “You’re actually a little early. But that’s okay, Peter is already loaded into the ship and they’re waiting for you to join them.”

 

“Wait, what time is it?” Yondu frowned.

 

“It’s ten forty five.” The nurse told them before instructing them on how to get to the ship.

 

“I could’ve sworn we sat there for two or more hours,” Yondu said to Kraglin as they made their way to the ship that would escort them to the _Eclector_.

 

“Me too,” Kraglin frowned but said nothing more when they boarded the ship.

 

The procession was quiet and solemn. No one said a word in the ship as Yondu wrapped his arms around his mate who rested a hand on the dark oak of Peter’s casket while silent tears fell down his face.

 

Outside people stopped to watch as they went by. Many people removed their hats and hair coverings; some saluted while others sent looks of sympathy towards the ship carrying Peter and the Ravagers. It felt like forever despite it only being a few minutes.

 

Once they arrived to the _Eclector_ Yondu and Kraglin were greeted by the Guardians and their team. It seemed as if the Guardians had informed the Ravagers of Peter’s fate as the Ravagers seemed unusually quiet.

 

Yondu was the one to unload Peter from the Nova M-ship. In his culture the tribal leader or god forbid the father of the deceased carried the body of the deceased covered by a blanket. In this case, Yondu carried Peter’s casket into his ship before placing it in the med bay where the medic could store it until they arrived on Earth.

 

As soon as he returned to the bridge he set course for Earth and noted that it would only take a few days to reach the planet.

 

“Didja mess with the thrusters, rat?” Yondu glared at the raccoon not actually angry.

 

“Yeah,” Rocket shrugged. “Thought a few upgrades would help us reach Earth faster.”

 

“How’d you know we was goin’ to Earth?” Yondu asked.

 

Rocket shrugged again before answering, “Well, he’s from Earth and I figured you guys would probably choose to bury his body there if you were going to bury him. I doubted you’d give him a Ravager funeral.”

 

“He ain’t no Ravager no more,” Yondu agreed before staring out into the vast darkness of the galaxy before him. The stars reminded him of Peter and his love for spacewalks despite the near heart attack it gave Kraglin every time he did it. “He’s a Guardian. Tis only fair I return him home.”

 

“Agreed.” Rocket nodded sadly before turning to leave the bridge.

_“Dad,” A young Peter squealed in delight as he rushed into Yondu’s arms. “Did ya see me?”_

_“I saw ya, Kid.” Yondu chuckled and ruffled his son’s blond locks. “You did a good job out there fixin’ that engine.”_

_“I thought for a moment that I wouldn’t be able to fix it!” Peter admitted as he beamed up at his father. “But then I remembered that if you rewired some of the engine you can bypass the part that was broken!”_

_“Smart thinkin’ boy,” Yondu said to his son who lapped up every praise like a dehydrated man that was given water._

_“Yondu,” Kraglin’s worried voice carried down the hall as the familiar sound of his boots conveyed his closeness._

_“Now, we don’t tell ya Papa about this, okay?” Yondu whispered in Peter’s ear who nodded seriously. “It’ll be our little secret.”_

_“Yondu,” Kraglin said again as he rounded the corner. “I think I saw Peter outside with Gef…”_

_Kraglin’s words trailed off as he rounded the corner and came upon his son and mate. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the two and placed his hands on his hips in a gesture that both Peter and Yondu had become quite accustomed to as Peter grew older._

_“You let Peter go out on a space walk, didn’t you?” Kraglin hissed at Yondu._

_“Busted.” Peter muttered under his breath, which made Yondu snort in amusement._

_Yep, he was definitely his kid alright._

It was a quiet rest of the day. No one really said much outside of what was strictly necessary. They were all shocked and saddened by the loss of the former crewmate. Sure, they accused Kraglin and Yondu of being too soft on the human but at the end of the day, Peter was their son and now he was gone. It didn’t seem right to make rude remarks to the first mate and captain who were clearly in deep mourning at the loss of their son.

 

The four days that it took to reach Peter’s home planet went by too fast and too slow for Yondu, Kraglin and the Guardians. No one was looking forward to burying Peter but at the same time, it didn’t feel real until they reached his home planet’s solar system.

 

Dread, guilt and sadness had made Yondu’s stomach their permanent home. It felt like his stomach was in knots and despite his species not needing to eat for several days, he couldn’t force himself to consume the simplest of meals.

 

 

_“Papa?” Peter asked one night when Kraglin was giving him a bath. “Do you think my mommy can hear me?”_

_“What do you mean, Pete?” Kraglin asked as he lathered the washcloth in Peter’s favorite soap._

_“Earth is so far away,” Peter turned his wide green eyes on his Papa. “And she’s buried there but sometimes I talk to her. Do you think she can hear me even though I’m all the way across the galaxy?”_

_Kraglin contemplated Peter’s question. Kraglin had done some research on Terrans when they first decided to keep their son. He knew that Terran cultures put high emphasis on honoring their dead to the point that they had specific days in which they honored them. It didn’t completely surprise Kraglin that Peter would talk to his mother despite her no longer being alive._

_“Of course she does, Peter!” Kraglin told him gently as he scrubbed the boy’s back. “Just ‘cause she’s not physically here like you and me don’t mean she’s not here.” Kraglin tickled Peter’s heart making the boy giggle. “She can hear everything you tell her, no matter how far away you are.”_

_“Thanks, Papa.” Peter smiled brightly at his father._

 

 

They left their ship just outside of a neighboring planet and loaded into the ship’s many M-Ships. They landed on Earth in the very early morning when it was still dark outside and the only people wandering the streets were drunks and addicts.

 

Yondu flaked by Kraglin and the Guardians, carried Peter’s casket into the old cemetery where his birth mother was buried. The procession made their way to the top of a hill that overlooked the rest of the cemetery.

 

_“Hey, dad?” A teenaged Peter asked._

_It was late and Yondu had gotten in an argument with Kraglin a few minutes earlier and had come out to the now empty bridge to cool off. He didn’t notice Peter following him until the boy spoke behind him._

_“Yeah?” Yondu said a bit gruffer than he intended._

_Peter hesitated for a moment before saying, “Did Papa mean what he said back there?”_

_“You’re gonna have ta specify, Pete.” Yondu said. “He said a lot of things just now.”_

_It was quiet for a moment again as Peter thought out if he really wanted to know the answer to his question. Yondu knew by now that when Peter got quiet like that, it meant that he had something serious weighing him down._

_Finally Peter spoke, “The part about you not wanting to keep me and being better off without me?”_

_Yondu felt like someone had splashed freezing water on him. His whole body stiffened and the hand that was holding the beer he was drinking paused in midair. After a moment, Yondu turned to look at Peter._

_Peter was avoiding eye contact by looking at the floor but Yondu could read the kid like a book now. He was no longer the tiny, rambunctious little boy he was when Yondu first picked him up. He was the true definition of a Terran teenager. He was all limbs and no muscle, red dots sporadically appearing on his face, cracking voice and sometimes the boy stank to high heaven. But he was still Peter and that meant he wore his heart on his sleeve._

_Kraglin had shouted at Yondu over something so stupid he couldn’t even remember what it was anymore. Because of the length of time the two had been together, Yondu had become excellent at letting his mate’s words roll off him like water when they argued. Half the time he didn’t even remember what Kraglin said, which of course, led to more arguments. But Peter took things said to and about him seriously and he didn’t know that Kraglin often word vomited things he didn’t mean nor would ever think when he was in his right mind._

_“C’mere.” Yondu patted the ground next to him and Peter nearly fell all over himself-no, he really did almost fall the uncoordinated bastard- to get to sit next to his father._

_As soon as the boy was sitting next to him, Yondu wrapped his arm around the boy’s shoulders and Peter instinctively rested his head on his father’s chest._

_“Do ya really-and be honest-think that ya Papa don’t wantcha?” Yondu asked the boy._

_“Sometimes,” Peter admitted much to Yondu’s surprise._

_“Really now?” Yondu looked at Peter’s mop of blond hair that was getting a bit long. “You think that?”_

_“He seems like he wishes that I was never here some days,” Peter whispered._

_“Like when?” Yondu prompted and explanation for the boy._

_“Yesterday he yelled at me for like ten minutes.” Peter muttered._

_“Your room is atrocious. He told ya to clean it and you didn’t.” Yondu informed the kid._

_“He seemed really mad, Dad.” Peter peered up at the captain with his big green eyes that never lost their sparkle no matter what happened._

_“He was frustrated, Pete.” Yondu reasoned. “He’s never ever said anything about not wantin’ ya.”_

_“He did just now.”_

_“He didn’t mean it.” Yondu continued to stroke his son’s hair in a calming gesture. “He is mad at me. He probably didn't even know he said it. He does that a lot when he’s mad. One time he told me that he wished I was dead.”_

_“He really said that?!” Peter exclaimed. He couldn’t believe his Papa would say something like that to his Dad._

_“Yep.” Yondu chuckled. “But he didn’t mean it. If you asked him right now he wouldn’t be able to recall sayin’ it. He just gets like that.”_  


_“Oh.”_

_“That bein’ said,” Yondu’s voice became serious and he forced his son to look at him by tilting his chin up. “He never, ever, not want you. Neither of us would give you up, Peter. You’s the best thing that’s happened to us in a long, long time and you ain’t goin’ nowhere for an even longer time. I won’t let cha’, aight?”_

_“Yeah,” Peter smiled at Yondu and Yondu could see just by the look he got that he had eased Peter’s worried mind._

 

Setting down the casket, Yondu made a speech.

 

“I know that many of you didn’t like Peter. Hell, most of you resented the poor brat.” Yondu began and earned a few chuckles from the crew. “I never meant to become so attached to the little shit but he somehow managed to worm his way into Kraglin and my hearts and we knew he was there to stay.

 

“I know that you all didn’t like that I was so soft on the boy and I can’t blame you. It didn’t seem fair to the rest of you but I hope you can understand why I was so soft on him now. He was a shit, yes, but he was also my son. He was a damn good Ravager. So good, he even stole from us. But that’s not what I’m most proud of.”

 

Yondu looked at his mate who had tears freely flowing down his face and continued. “I was most proud of him when he managed to save the galaxy. I knew he had a lot of good in his heart and I knew he was destined to do something great but I didn’t ever imagine he’d _save the fuckin’ galaxy_. But, I’m proud of ‘im. I ain’t even mad he ‘trolled’ me. Despite all his flaws he was my boy and I feel so guilty that I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. He was alone and in pain and I never knew and I’ll regret that for the rest of my life. I shoulda’ done more by ‘im. He deserved so much more. But despite all of this, he was my son and a damn good one at that. I love ya, Petey.”

 

By the end of his speech most of his audience was in tears. They each had memories of the man that made them sentimental and none of them had ever lost a crewmember in such a painful way. Being shot or stabbed was a relatively quick death but suffering from brain cancer and its side effects for an entire year was something none of them would’ve wished on the boy-even if he had cost them several million units in pay.

 

Kraglin stepped up to give his speech. It would be shorter than Yondu’s but he felt like Peter already knew how he felt about him. This was more for himself than it was for anyone else.

 

“Peter wasn’t perfect-not by a long shot.” Kraglin said around tears and the group chuckled. “But he was, at his very core, good. He had a great heart and only wanted to do what he thought was right- so long as we don’t include his teenage years. He was the cutest, kindest, goofiest little baby in the whole universe and I’ve missed those moments the older he got. I loved getting to walk around the ship with him on my hip, his head on my shoulder with his thumb in his mouth. I never knew I wanted a family with Yondu until I had one. That’s something I never got to thank Peter for. I didn’t even _think_ to thank him for until he was gone.

 

“I’ll miss his green eyes and handsome face for the rest of my life. I couldn’t get enough pictures when he was still with us and though I have books full of photos of him, I wish I had more. I wish there were some way that I could’ve recorded every moment I had with him-even the most miniscule, domestic moments. I just wish I could relive them all. But I can’t. I love him with my whole heart and he took a piece of me when he died that I’ll never get back, even if Yondu and I somehow end up with another kid. But, I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to have another child after Peter. No, Peter was our one and only. And given the circumstances, I’d say we did a damn good job.

 

“Being his Papa has been and always will be my biggest accomplishment. No job, no heist, no mission will ever top the feeling of knowing that I am Peter’s Papa. There will never be a better feeling than knowing that I was the one who got the absolute pleasure of raising ‘Star-lord’. Peter, it’s been an absolute honor raising you. Thank you for letting me be your Papa, Petey. I love you to the moon and back, Sweets.”

 

A few more speeches were made before Yondu, Kraglin, the Guardians and a few of the crew helped dig Peter’s grave. Once they had dug the customary six feet (as Kraglin had read), Yondu and Kraglin silently lowered the casket while Peter’s mixed tape played in the background.

 

_“Hey Daddy?” Peter said one night when it was just the two of them._

_Kraglin had been off on a raid, which left just Yondu and a ten year old Peter alone for the night. Yondu had fed, bathed and was now letting Peter read before bed as per routine. While Peter read, Yondu looked over charts and scrolled through job offers._

_“Yeah?” Yondu hummed absentmindedly._

_“If I die, will you play my favorite song in the background when you bury me?” Peter said as if it was a normal question._

_Yondu just about dropped his data pad. He and Kraglin made an effort to keep Peter from knowing about all the dark and dirty aspects of their jobs as to not taint their innocent son for as long as they could. They may be Ravagers but that didn’t mean their son was. At least, not yet._

_“Where’d this come from?” Yondu managed to ask as he masked his shock._

_“I dunno,” Peter shrugged looking at his Daddy. “In my book one of the character’s die and they play his favorite song for him when they bury him.”_

_“And Papa let you download this book?” Yondu asked in surprise. Usually Kraglin was very careful about the stories he downloaded on their son’s data pad._

_“Yeah,” Peter nodded. “It was a book from Earth that I remembered the older kids reading so Papa let me download it.”_

_“How older were the older kids, Pete?” Yondu quizzed._

_“Dunno.” Peter shrugged. “You haven’t answered my question though.”_

_“Petey,” Yondu sighed and picked the small boy up to set him in his lap. “You don’t gotta go ‘round worrying about that stuff, okay?” Peter nodded against Yondu’s chest as Yondu continued. “You’s just a kid right now. Let Papa and Daddy worry about that kind of stuff. You focus on bein’ a good boy for us, okay?”_

_“Okay!” Peter nodded enthusiastically. “Will you and Papa play your favorite songs at your funerals?”_

_“I don’t know, Pete.” Yondu frowned at his son’s fixation on death. “But we don’t gotta worry about that. Papa and I live a long time and so will you. No more of this sad talk. Now, let’s read a bedtime story together.”_

_“Okay!” Peter bounced excitedly in Yondu’s lap, topic pushed aside for the time being._

 

Once Peter was gently set in the bottom of the hole the crew helped to cover it with the dirt that had been dug up while Yondu and Kraglin placed the headstone they had made with the Guardians at the head of the grave.

 

It was several long minutes later before Peter was completely buried. Kraglin was crying in his mate’s shoulder while Yondu looked over the grave. They were the last ones to return to the ship after everyone had said goodbye, wanting to have an extra minute with their son.

 

Once the light of the Earth’s sun began to color the sky in shades of orange and red, Kraglin and Yondu turned to walk back to the ship. Yondu, who had also been crying, felt like his feet were lead and he couldn’t walk right.

 

As they reached the end of the path leading out of the cemetery, Yondu felt the urge to cast one last look at his son’s grave. What he saw there was shocking.

 

Standing on either side of the headstone were the two vanishing boys from the hospital with Peter standing between them, directly over the grave. But they all looked different than when Yondu last saw them.

 

Peter looked more like the Peter Yondu knew him to be. Despite being transparent, Yondu could tell that his color had returned to his face, his lips no longer blue and his eyes a bright green once again. His blond hair was no longer dull looking. His face no longer was sunken in from lack of nutrition and death. He stood tall and waved with his classic Peter smile plastered to his face. Yondu couldn’t help but notice that the slashes that branded his physical body had not marked him in death.

 

Raphael was no longer the sick child he was in the hospital. He no longer wore the hospital gown, instead he wore a long tunic that flowed to his ankles and was synched at the waist by a gold rope. His IV was replaced with a large wooden staff with two snakes wrapped around the top. He had massive white wings extended behind him and he seemed like he was _glowing_.

 

Next to him was his brother, Azrael, stood tall. He no longer was dressed in a cloak. Instead he wore what reminded Yondu of a loincloth from his home planet. He vaguely remembered an image from one of Peter’s books of a group of people called Ancient Egyptians who wore similar attire to Azrael. The skirt draped down to his ankles in some places. He had feathered wraps that hung around his calves while a scarf like cloth draped around his bare chest. He too had wings like his brother that extended elegantly behind him but his seemed larger and had a significantly higher number of feathers on them. His long white hair flowed in the breeze and his eyes glowed yellow. He carried a long staff with a piece of hooked metal attached to the top.

 

“You’re real,” he breathed causing Kraglin to stop and follow his mate’s gaze.

 

“Raphael? Azrael?” Kraglin asked in pure shock. “ _Peter._ ”

 

At the mention of his name, Peter waved again at his Papa. It was clear to them both that Peter couldn't come closer and touch them-hug them- but could still hear them.

 

“Petey,” Kraglin wasted no time talking to his son’s soul. “Are you okay?”

 

A nod.

“You’re not hurting anymore, are you?” Kraglin continued.

 

A shake of the head.

 

“You know that we’re so sorry that you felt like you couldn’t talk to us anymore, right?”

 

 _I do not blame you_. Peter’s disembodied voice whispered softly in the wind for only them to hear.

 

“You know that we never wanted you to hurt?”

 

A nod.

 

“You know we’re sorry for everything we did wrong?” Yondu asked this time. “For all the things we didn’t do for you that we should’ve?”

 

Peter gave Yondu a sad smile. _Of course I do, Daddy._ _I don’t hold anything against you and Papa._

 

“You know we love you right, Pete?” Yondu said those three words he never said enough when Peter was still alive.

 

A nod.

 

Before Kraglin and Yondu could continue their questioning, Azrael turned to Peter and Raphael and gave them a meaningful look. It was a look that even Yondu knew meant their time was up.

 

“You gotta go now, don’tcha?” Yondu asked his son.

 

A nod.

 

“Will you still be able to hear us if we talk to you?” Kraglin asked with tears flowing freely down his face.

 

_Always._

 

“We’ll miss you Petey,” Yondu used the old nickname from Peter’s childhood.

 

Peter smiled fondly at his father before walking to stand next to Azrael’s side. Peter shot his fathers one last smile and two thumbs up before nodding to Azrael who nodded back.

 

“ _Until we meet again._ ” Azrael’s voice boomed as loud as thunder through the air and echoed in their heads while Raphael’s jubilant laugh carried through the cemetery.

 

Two blinding gold lights appeared causing the mates to shield their eyes at the brightness. Once the light died, they were gone, leaving blue, gold, and red flowers growing over the top of Peter’s headstone.

 

_It was nighttime and Kraglin and Peter had already gone to bed long ago. Yondu had been stuck at the bridge long past his shift’s end trying to sort out some issues with the crew. By the time he finally gotten to his room both his son and mate were sleeping in their respective beds._

_Peter was a full grown human male at 28 years old. Though in both Yondu and Kraglin’s cultures, he’d still be a toddler. It was the one thing that had always made the two parents sad; the fragility and speed of human lives. They were reminded just how fast time moves for humans when one day they woke up and Peter was an adult._

_Peter had gone off on his own a few times already but he’d always come back to his parents eventually. Sometimes a little roughed up but alive and that was what mattered most to the pair._

_Quietly opening the door to Peter’s room, Yondu saw his son curled up in his bed sleeping soundly. His face was so relaxed that it reminded Yondu of how he looked as a young child. Without thinking twice, Yondu sat on the edge of Peter’s bed and rearranged the blankets so they covered Peter. He gently brushed some of Peter’s blond hair out of his eyes and leaned down to place a gentle kiss on his son’s forehead before getting up._

_Yondu paused in the doorway looking back at his son. He felt a small, slightly sad smile work its way onto his face before whispering into the darkness, “Stop growin’ up so fast, Pete. I love ya, son.”_

_He never would’ve thought that that night would be the last time he’d kiss his son goodnight._

 

Yondu and Kraglin left the cemetery with a sense of relief they hadn’t felt since they learned of Peter’s death. It didn’t take away from the sorrow they felt but it alleviated the feeling of being crushed by indescribable and unbearable grief.

 

It wouldn’t bring his son back but Yondu thanked his son for his last gift to them. Because, despite all of the wrong that Yondu had done, Peter still cared and wanted to help his father.

 

Yondu did not deserve his son’s love, not even by a long shot. He would always hold that guilt at the knowledge that he could’ve done better by Peter. He could’ve been less hard on the boy. He could’ve tried to understand him more. He could’ve been there for him more.

 

He would also regret so many things. He’d regret not being kinder to his son even when they weren’t alone. He’d regret not savoring Peter’s short childhood. Human lives were naturally hundreds of years shorter than Yondu and Kraglin’s and sometimes he forgot that. More often than not, he’d forget how frail human lives were. In the blink of an eye Peter was a self-sufficient adult. And in another blink he was gone. He’d always regret not telling Peter he loved him more. And he’d never forgive himself for not reaching out to Peter even when he didn’t reach out to them. Maybe if he had reached out to him he could’ve been there for Peter in his final moments.

 

But despite all of this, he knew he couldn’t change things. He’d never get to go back and say all the things he wanted to say to Peter’s face. But knowing that Peter could still hear him made things better. He may not ever get to hold his son again, care for him when he’s sick or hurt, but he can still talk to him. He can still tell him everyday for the rest of Yondu’s life that he loves his son.

 

_“Hey, Daddy?”_

_“Yes, son?”_

_“I love you lots and lots!”_

_“I love you too, Petey.”_

 

“Lots and lots.” Yondu whispered to himself and to Peter as he stepped onto the ship.

 

And maybe, just maybe, that was enough.

 

_Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for those who kinda understand who Azrael and Raphael are portraying, I'll explain to you. 
> 
> So I am by no means religious and I do not belong to any organized church or religion (they creep me out...they are like cults to me but that doesn't necessarily mean that they ARE, it is just my opinion). I am agnostic and thus do not attend church. However, my mom and stepdad are religious. My mom is Protestant and my stepdad is Catholic. So I used two important figures for this fic. 
> 
> Raphael is the archangel of health so to speak. He watches over the sick and those in the medical field. The staff that I describe here probably sounds very familiar to you guys. That's because his staff is used to represent the medical field. The snakes that wrap around the post that you see on ALL medical institutions (hospitals, doctor's offices, ambulances, the uniforms on EMTS and paramedics etc) is his staff. I didn't make that up, you can google it if you don't believe me. 
> 
> Azrael is the archangel of death. He's essentially a glorified (literally) grim reaper. He carries a synth in most depictions and he often is shown wearing a creepy as fuck cloak. But, he's also shown like I described him in this chapter. He's usually quiet in a lot of stories. His job is to help guide souls to heaven and he's the trumpet guy that a lot of us have heard about. Most religions say that when you die, you'll hear a loud trumpet and that' Azrael calling you to the afterlife. He's my personal favorite out of all the angels and I kind see him as some overworked, under appreciated guy who definitely doesn't get paid enough for the shit he has to do. No rest for him.


End file.
